I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Randomize
