Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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