u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
