please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
