I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
