Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
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