i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize