I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
