I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
