when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
They took my balls.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
