dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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