I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
