First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
sarcasm needs its own font
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
