i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
