i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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