The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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