sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
