My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
