On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
