I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
