HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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