I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
