dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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