My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
