Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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