All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
