Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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