is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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