God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
