gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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