Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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