I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Randomize
