Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
i think my cat just said my name.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
