last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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