the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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