Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
