I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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