Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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