these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
