Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
