one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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