If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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