i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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