Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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