So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
How's work?
Spinning.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
