You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Someone came in the potted fern
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
