I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
