im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
