Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
