Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
