I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
