oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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