You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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