So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
